Second version of the essay

Okay – here it is, my big confession: I don’t read the Bible every day!! (I know you must be shocked, because I certainly am.) I should be ashamed of myself.

But now that I’ve made this confession, what do I do next? If I keep saying that I don’t read the Bible to everyone who will hear me, it will be out in the open and I won’t have to pretend anymore. What a relief! Going this route also gives me a great excuse not to change what I have confessed. But it doesn’t satisfy my desire to get closer to God. And I know it’s not the right thing to do.

So how do I start this new habit? Well, at the beginning of 2010 I set out to do this. I started by praying for a yearning to read the Bible. I also set a modest goal of reading one chapter of the New Testament and one Psalm every day. Already I am behind. What else is new? I should be ashamed of myself.

About three years ago, I decided to start exercising regularly for the first time in my life. Let me tell you, it was painful! I had aches in places I didn’t know existed. It was hard to keep going at times. But I had a great coach who talked me through the pain and sweat. She helped me to set small goals, often focusing on just one area at a time. When I wanted to quit, she kept me going. She encouraged me when I fell short and celebrated with me when I saw the results of my hard work. With patience, love and grace she helped me develop the exercise habit.

Reading the Bible is like any worthy goal I set. I start out enthusiastically, and inevitably I mess up. I am ashamed and embarrassed. I think about giving up. But if I listen carefully, I hear a voice of encouragement. I start over. I fall short again, but I pick up where I left off. I start to see results. I praise God for His patience. I keep going. I pray more. I start to miss it when I don’t do it. I forgive myself for not being perfect. I thank God for loving me through the experience of pursuing my goal.

Looking back on the goals I’ve set in my life, I realize that God has constantly been there to guide me via any means He can use, despite my lack of daily Bible reading. What a gift! He must really love me. I can only imagine what wonderful things lay in store for me when I can connect to Him through His word every day. I rejoice that God is with me as I strive to develop my new habit - one chapter, one Psalm at a time.

“My soul is satisfied as with a rich feast, and my mouth praises you with joyful lips when I think of you on my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I sing for joy.” (Psalm 63:5-7 NRSV).

First stab at essay for church Lenten publication

Okay – here it is, my big confession: I don’t read the Bible every day!! (I know you must be shocked, because I certainly am.) I should be ashamed of myself.

But now that I’ve made this confession, what do I do next? My first instinct is to keep confessing that I don’t read the Bible to everyone who will hear me. Once it’s out in the open, I won’t have to pretend anymore. What a relief! Going this route also gives me a great excuse not to pursue changing what I have confessed. But it doesn’t satisfy my desire to get closer to God. And I know it’s not the right thing to do.

The thing is, despite my lack of daily Bible reading, God has continued to bless me and call to me throughout my life via any means He can use. Through music, interactions with children, people he sends at just the right time with just the right thing to say. Through answered prayers and experiences that could only have been possible with the Holy Spirit. I can only imagine what wonderful things lay in store for me when I can connect to Him through His word every day.

So how do I start this new habit? Well, at the beginning of 2010 I set out to do this. I started by praying for a yearning to read the Bible. I also set a modest goal of reading one chapter of the New Testament and one Psalm every day. Already I am behind. What else is new? I should be ashamed of myself.

But then I remember something. About three years ago, I decided to start exercising regularly for the first time in my life. Slowly, but surely, with the help of determination and great coaching by a woman who was able to connect me directly to the Holy Spirit, the daily habit developed. I became more fit physically and spiritually through exercise. I found that I missed exercising when I didn’t do it. But I did not accomplish my goal alone. God was with me through it all.

I know He is with me now, and will help me reach my new goal. It will take determination and some coaching from the Holy Spirit, but I have only to gain from the journey.

Faith Alone Isn't Enough

Now that I posted my Red Carpet entry our rector preached yesterday (based on the book of James) that faith alone is not enough. We have to take action too. He said that the two go hand in hand, that if you have faith it will lead you to do good things to help others. And if you do good things to help others it will strengthen your faith. I have to agree. I can see how that works. However, Greg's sermon was a timely reminder for me that I must be active in my faith. That red carpet is there for me because it takes me through places where I can use my hands and feet to help others. I must not ignore those opportunities. When I think I am too small to make a difference, I need to trust that I am there for a reason and that is to serve others in need. God's got my back when I think I'm not strong enough or when I don't know how to help or don't think I have the time. That red carpet isn't there because I deserve it or because I've earned it; that is certainly not the case. It's there simply because God loves me. That's powerful love and I hope and pray I will do my part by sharing it with others through acts of faith.

The Red Carpet

I have recently been telling people my red carpet metaphor (or analogy?) for how blessed and loved by God I have been feeling lately. I feel like I'm walking on a red carpet laid out especially for me. I can see ahead in the distance that the carpet is not completely unrolled, letting me know that there is plenty more carpet on my path ahead. It sometimes curves to one side or the other ahead of me, sometimes goes straight ahead. Although I am not certain where my red carpet path is going, I am certain that the pathway is being laid out especially for me and that I can trust the carpet will never run out as long as I believe in it and not step off.

Some examples of this are:

James is still working at Nortel, providing us with benefits and monthly income.

We are still able to honor our pledge at church and find ways to give financially to some other organizations that we feel led to support.

I have had two part-time jobs practically laid in my lap in the past nine months or so.

During my work with these jobs, every day of needed childcare has been provided. And I have had the money to pay for the childcare.

I have been able to go back to work as a speech therapist which I feel is a ministry opportunity for me.

Through working in a home-health position, I have been able to enter some intimate spaces in people's homes and lives. I have seen and felt God's presence in my encounters with these people.


I sometimes don't want to tell people about all of these blessings, because I know not everyone experiences life as richly as I do. So many people's lives are filled with problems and despair. I am not trying to brag here. Rather, I am stepping out in faith everyday, trusting that things will work out. And lately they really have. I know I am not immune to troubles and am aware that they can come at any time. That is why I am spending time counting my blessings and sharing with others what having a solid faith feels like. It feels like walking on a red carpet laid out especially for me by God. I trust that as I walk on this path and give Him the glory for all of my blessings, that my carpet will never end.

"I Wish I Had That"

Yesterday I was talking to a friend about child-raising struggles. In the midst of our conversation, I said the way I cope with the struggles the most is by praying a lot. She said, "I wish I had that." I asked her what she meant, and she said "that faith-part". She went on to say something like, "I ask the universe for good things to happen, but I'm not sure that the universe really cares about me or can do anything about it." (This is what I remember her saying, but it's probably not the words she used exactly. It is definitely the message I heard her saying, however.) I found myself with an incredible opportunity to witness to her about how my faith carries me through, but I stopped short of saying anything more than "wow" or something like that. As I write this now, though, I think the witnessing moment had come before she said what she wished she had. And I'm grateful to have been able to have shared that with her without even trying. I'm also happy to have the insight I just got when writing this entry that I didn't really miss out on an opportunity to share God's love afterall.

Mark 2:1-12

Jesus Heals a Paralytic

2When he returned to Capernaum after some days, it was reported that he was at home. ²So many gathered around that there was no longer room for them, not even in front of the door; and he was speaking the word to them. ³Then some people came, bringing to him a paralysed man, carried by four of them. ⁴And when they could not bring him to Jesus because of the crowd, they removed the roof above him; and after having dug through it, they let down the mat on which the paralytic lay. ⁵When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, ‘Son, your sins are forgiven.’ ⁶Now some of the scribes were sitting there, questioning in their hearts, ⁷‘Why does this fellow speak in this way? It is blasphemy! Who can forgive sins but God alone?’ ⁸At once Jesus perceived in his spirit that they were discussing these questions among themselves; and he said to them, ‘Why do you raise such questions in your hearts? ⁹Which is easier, to say to the paralytic, “Your sins are forgiven”, or to say, “Stand up and take your mat and walk”? ¹⁰But so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins’—he said to the paralytic— ¹¹‘I say to you, stand up, take your mat and go to your home.’ ¹²And he stood up, and immediately took the mat and went out before all of them; so that they were all amazed and glorified God, saying, ‘We have never seen anything like this!’

Here is the NRSV Gospel-Based Discipleship passage for today. Here is what I get out of it (of course when I say "you" I am talking to myself here). Be determined in your faith. Don't hesitate to ask for what you know God can do. Don't be afraid of the crowd's reaction to your faith-based actions. You may have to get creative like going through the roof, but go for it. God is there if you can just make it through the "crowd" of your daily worries and stresses and distractions and make your way to Him.

New Link to NRSV

I've been reading the daily office lectionary each day so far this advent. I've found that if I look it up online, I can read it and refer to it several times each day, whenever I come back to the computer. I think this will help me keep up with this activity more easily than if I were using a hand-held Bible. Only problem is that Bible Gateway doesn't have the translation of the Bible that our church uses. I like being able to read it in several versions, but I really wanted to be able to see the NRSV as one of them. So thanks to Father John Gibson, I have a new link to the NRSV, and I'm posting it with my links at the side of this blog. The website is called Oremus Bible Browser.

Gospel Based Discipleship

I received a booklet from our diocese with Gospel readings for each day of the church year. Yesterday was the first day of the church year - the first day of Advent. I really want to read and reflect on these this year. I know I won't be disciplined enough to read each day, but I will strive to do that. I really want to develop a discipline of reading and reflecting on scripture every day. I currently do it so haphazardly. So we'll see how it goes. Yesterday's reading was Matthew 25:1-13 and today's is Luke 20:1-8. There is nothing listed in the booklet like questions to help reflect on the passages. I'll just have to reflect on my own. I am looking forward to it.

Time to Get Religious Again

Since it's been over a month since I posted anything on this blog I shall try again now.

I am friends with people of very diverse views about religion. Some are very strong, conservative Christians. Others consider themselves liberal Christians. Many are moderates like me. Others do not consider themselves religious at all. I admit I don't have many close relationships with people who are of different religions. How can all of these viewpoints be correct? And some of them are so certain they are right. I know God is bigger than all of that and all of us, but it can really bother me that we, God's creation, can't just get along. We have a need to point blame at others as "the bad guys" - those conservatives, those liberals. This has to do with religion and politics too, I suppose. I think the bottom line is to love and serve each other no matter what, if we believe in God. And I have one friend who claims not to believe in God at all. I often find myself feeling caught in the middle. Sometimes I have to come out and say I am not a biblical literalist and I have liberal-ish social values to my conservative friends. And sometimes I have to come out and say I'm a Christian to my liberal friends, even though they might not want to talk about religion or though they may find Christians to be close-minded. In the process of being true to myself, I find myself liberal, moderate, and conservative all at once - depending on to whom or what I am comparing myself. This can make me quite dizzy and uncomfortable. But I am on a quest to be true to myself, down to the core of how God created me and of who God desires for me to be. So I'll stop and rest when I get too dizzy, I guess. I trust that I will figure out what matters to the best of my ability, and what I never come to understand is not necessary on my life's journey.

Being Still

The children's choir that I direct is singing an anthem called "Be Still and Know that I am God". Funny, how the words to that anthem have been out there in front of my face all along. Being still is really difficult for me. Not physically - I can easily stop moving and put up my feet any time. However, mentally being still is absolutely difficult. The words of the song (without the repeated parts) are: "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted in the earth. I am always with you. I will be your strength." I don't know where that scripture is, but the words are very appropriate for my life. I guess like everything else, being still takes practice and discipline to practice. Another opportunity for spiritual growth is at hand.

Here's today's verse: “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.”- Psalm 19:14

Verse of the Day

“Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.”- Proverbs 27:1

This is Bible Gateway's verse of the day. I like going to the site and seeing what the verse of the day is. It gives me something to think about. Reading this verse makes me feel humble and grateful.

What is it?

I'm looking for what's coming. I sense there is something new coming my way that will be an opportunity for ministry to others while also being energizing for me. Maybe something that will bring in some money? How do I discern it? There have been some opportunities that I believe are not what I'm looking for. Just stay the course. Bloom where you have been planted. Keep the faith. Share God's love. Trust. Keep watch. Be patient. All in God's time. What if what's coming my way is more of the same? Just got to do the best I can.

Here's the verse of the day: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”- Philippians 2:3-4

Not sure how to take that, actually. I'll keep pondering.

God is love.

Here it is:

“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.”- 1 John 4:16

That helps. I feel a little better now.

Feeling Down

I'm not feeling myself this afternoon. I'm down about the world and my own circumstances. So I'm going to see what the Bible verse of the day is on BibleGateway.com.

A Compelling Book

Last week my friend Linda loaned me a short book to read. It's called Dinner with a Perfect Stranger: an Invitation Worth Considering. She said it would take less than 90 minutes to read and she thought I would enjoy it. I just completed it in 90 minutes exactly and she was right. It's a fictional book about a man who gets an invitation to dinner with Jesus. The man goes reluctantly, but by the end finds himself very glad he went. In the book the man asks "Jesus" (he uses quotes in the book because he isn't conviced at first of Jesus' presence) questions about Christianity and world religions that I myself have asked and haven't found good answers for. The author is David Gregory, and the answers he has Jesus give to the man are convincing. I feel somewhat in awe at the moment. Definitely more connected to the Holy Trinity than before I read it. Linda asked me to return the book to her so she can offer it to others. That's what she plans to do over and over again with this book which was a gift to her. She suggested I might buy myself a copy and loan it out to others as well. I just might do that.

It's Hard in the Morning!

Lord, you know how hard it is for me to turn on my best parenting brain in the morning. Last night MC blatantly disobeyed my instructions and I was able to implement a direct consequence. She wasn't happy about it, but she learned (at least for the time being) that such disobeying might not be so good in the long term. This morning J blatantly disobeyed my instructions, even talking back to me disrespectfully. I simply got mad and frustrated and found myself saying "please do this" to him. Ultimately I shifted the power back to him. Please help me to guide my son in these situations. In taekwando we are learning about discipline, which means "to obey what is right". The instructors make the kids say in class that the parents are right at home and the teachers are right at school. It is so good for him to learn this lesson. He already had the school part down, but the home part still needs some work. He is so much more disciplined than he used to be. At least he didn't throw anything at me or try to hit me (and he hasn't in a long time). Thank you God for the skills you have given J and the maturity he has developed. I pray once again for patience, wisdom, strength, and courage to raise him to reach his potential, and and to be fully equipped to do your work on this earth (and beyond, as the case may well be).

What I Hope to Accomplish Today

Today I hope to show my children God's love through the ways I interact with them. I hope that when I encounter strangers I will be able to look them in the eyes and seek Jesus in them. I hope that when my energy lessens or my mood sinks I will find something to give them a boost by looking around at all that God has created. I hope that I will not be wasteful in my actions. I hope that I will not be too hard on myself. I hope that I will get some things done that are on my list of things to do.

Good Friends

Good friends are a gift. One of my newest friends called me this afternoon. Danielle connects me with God's wisdom when we talk. I always leave our conversations feeling blessed and uplifted. Thank you God for putting people like Danielle in my life.

Looking Forward To It

My dad likes to thank God for "the things we look forward to" when he says a blessing. I have really internalized this, because having something to look forward to is a blessing. When I pray with the kids, I will often use his line, or say something like "thank you for the opportunities that we've been given today and help us to make the most of them, and handle them as you would see fit."
It's hard for me to get out of bed in the morning when I've not had enough sleep. Remembering that I have things to look forward to and praying for those who do not is energizing. Thank you, Lord, for this insight (again).

Explanation

I've started a new blog because sometimes I want to write about my faith more deeply than in my regular blog. In this blog I may write about my faith, and how it is challenged and strengthened. I may include things I pray about or even actual prayers. My goal is to have an outlet for these thoughts without having to worry about offending anyone. I have a hard time sharing my "religious" side, especially (ironically enough) with those closest to me. I worry about how they will take it and how they might judge me or worse - how they think I may be judging them. I want to be able to speak of my faith more freely without care as to others' possible reactions. I just want to share my stories. So here is my new blog, mainly for me, but for anyone who might wish to learn more about how I think as a Christian. If you're not interested in these thoughts for whatever reason, you don't have to read them. Comments are welcome, but I may decide not to publish them. As always, thanks for your interest in me.